It creeps up on you with slow boiling precision, awakens you in the middle of the night whispering strained nonsense into your muscle fibers, force feeding you caffeinated air, your corneas following an imaginary ping pong game played between two nipple chafed marathon zombies dropping out at mile 24. Your mouth is dry, your palms are sweaty and no medication seems to be able to fix, what can only be described as TAPER MADNESS!
After successfully running 20 miles, my training schedule requires me to put on the brakes for the remaining 3 weeks until the marathon, reducing my mileage significantly each week, resting my body and preparing for the final 26.2 miles. These are my taper down weeks, and as they might appear to be getting easier physically they are testing my mental endurance. Just ask Hannah who, like the angel she is, has had to put up with my shifty eyed uneasiness.
The "madness" begins when you find yourself with more time on your hands then usual because of the reduced mileage. With that extra time many find themselves working on there passions, or spending more time with their loved ones. I on the other hand made a list of ways my marathon dreams would be shattered during the race ranging from a blister on the 7th mile to being mauled by an escaped Bronx Zoo black bear on the 22nd. Others included:
1. Falling into a pothole while daydreaming about the newest Twilight movie.
2. Grabbing poison instead of gatorade not knowing that my nemesis was working the water station.
3. Laughing at a t-shirt that read, "Our sport is your sports punishment," and then tripping on a discarded sign reading, "Pain is just weakness leaving your body." (Damn you, clever runners!)
4. While getting my picture taken by an onlooker, discovering my true passion as a fashion model and dropping out.
5. Coming in second.
6. Spontaneous combustion.
7. Running next to a man who looks just like me, realizing he's my long lost twin and stopping for coffee mid-race to discuss his thoughts on investing in my new small business idea of cereal flavored milk.
The madness then continues with a bit of obsessive behaviors. I have frequented weather.com so many times I think I could be a meteorologist. ("The weather on sunday calls for partly cloudy sky's, chance of rain 30%, highs in the low 60's. Back to Peter with the Sports...) I've have been re-reading my marathon book looking for inside tips, freaking out about my fundraising, trying desperately to rid myself of this cold, and feasting on unhealthy dessert foods like a freshly dumped high schooler. In this increased anxiety ridden state, my social skills have also suffered leaving me reduced to limp handshakes and turrets intrusions- SHITFUCK COFFEE! Is there any hope?
Well it seems that a trip to the Fitness Expo has me cured. I am officially in the marathon, with my bib #54730 E to be worn on my Fred's Team jersey. I have trained over 4 months, running hundreds of miles, going through two pairs of shoes and boxes of pasta. I drank a fair bit, but kept it under control... for the most part, and am in the best endurance shape of my life. I am ready!
Now if only I can remember on sunday to turn back the clocks, wake up at 4:30am, meet my team at 5:30 for a picture in Time Square, properly stretch, eat a filling meal, not over hydrate, maintain a healthy pace, stay focused, listen to my body and remember my training, then I should be ready for 26.2. (phew)
Wish me luck and I'll see you at the finish-FUCKBATS!-line. oh no.
