Week Eight: 13.1 miles of Advice

I have run a half marathon! I didn't find any races that synched up with my running schedule so I just ran around Brooklyn and Manhattan alone like a crazy person for 2 hours. If it was a race then I came in first, or at least a close second next to an angry mexican who chased down a cab for 10 blocks after leaving his cell phone inside. I averaged about a 10.5 minute mile, which considering the heat, was a great run. Now that I have completed a half marathon, earning my stripes, and am one week away from the mid-point in my training, I'd like to give back a sliver of my running expertise to anyone thinking of Questing for the Marathon. (ahem)

1. Do not wear cotton shirts during long runs unless you enjoy the sensation of stingy nipples. (Some people do)
2. You will sweat more then you ever thought possible. No, you do not have Robin Williamitis.
3. Paying for water at a vending machine or a Hot Dog stand is virtually impossible if you've been storing your money in your sock.
4. When running in the rain, make sure your shorts have a draw string. It's only funny the first time, trust me.
5. If you are thirsty and out of water and money, you may use your mid-run gross physical appearance to swindle a free bottle.
6. Be prepared to get dirty looks from folks in traffic, they're just mad at themselves for not using that gym membership they got last christmas.
7. You may let your mind wander from time to time during a run; coming up with excuses for why you like the Twilight Saga so much is acceptable.
8. Do not drink alcohol the night before a big run! Do not drink alcohol the night before a big run! Do not drink alcohol the night before a big run! Oh shit.
9. For every pot hole you step in, a puppy dies. So Avoid them!
10. People always ask how long the distance is for a full marathon. Know the answer: 457 miles.
11. You are not on a sail boat so stop waiving to everyone you pass.
12. The average runner is 17% faster in cooler conditions which only gives you a few more weeks to really suck.
13. If people lose interest in your training, tell them you are running on two prosthetic legs. Nothing like a comeback story.
14. Invest in real running shoes. Hipsters will forgive you.
15. Having a running partner is a great way to train. Dibs on Tom Jones!
16. When people say they don't think running is a real sport, just tell them, "That's something a fat person would say."
17. And finally, embrace your new physique. Yes, your arms are puny and you've contracted Danny Glover Ass from running so much, and your ability to hold your breath underwater while taking a bath isn't impressing your girlfriend, but you are a Super Runner now, so put on your prosthetics and get out on the road. Like Steve Prefontaine said just before he was tragically killed by out of control car, "ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

There you have it, I hope you have gained some ammunition to use against the beast that awaits you. Till next time, my students. (Theme song to 3-2-1 Contact)

Week Seven: City Headphones

I usually don't wear headphones when I run; it feels more like a distraction then anything else. I instead prefer to engage with world around me, mainly because I don't want police to find my car battered body next to an ipod with "Ultimate Dance Party: Volume 27" playing. But I can't say that running without headphones doesn't come with a few surprising city consistencies . I decided to catagorize the sounds of an average 3 mile run, writing the sound and the number of times I heard it to better understand the phenomenon of the "City Headphone."

Cars moving: (infinite)

Car honk: 7

Truck screech: 9

People laughing: 8

Men arguing: 3

People yelling: 10

Baby's crying: 2

Bums asking me for money: 1

Dogs barking: 4

Music playing (businesses/homes/boom-box): 10

Drunk women/men speaking incoherently: 2

Douche Bag Long Islanders making fun of my running shorts: 1

Foreign accents: 3

Ambulance: 1

Construction:1

Water shooting from hydrant: 1

Sports activities: 8

Running to the beat of the NY streets: Priceless

I guess it can be a little annoying to run in the city, but I'm used to it at this point. Next time I go out maybe I'll listen to some of these "Running" songs for inspiration.

Born to Run- Bruce Springsteen

Run Run Run- The Velvet Underground

Running Down a Dream- Tom Petty

Run Like Hell- Pink Floyd

Runnin' Away- Bob Marley

The Road- Tom Jones (just had to get him in there)

I ran 12 miles sans headphones and am ready for a half marathon next week.

Week Six: A Masshole in Marshfield

I have finally experienced my first run completely hung over. I know, you thought it had already happened, a reasonable assumption, but this week was the first. I never realized how painful of a decision that would be. To put my personal hangover run into perspective imagine running with a fat hobo on your back screaming into your ear, while the sun knuckle punching your thighs, tasting your alcohol sweat running from your forehead reminding you why tequila beer and wine don't mix, and trying to figure out the rubix cube which is your sagging scrotum and how it managed to get so turned around and caught up in the back of your adidas shorts. Now add a good stumble in front of a 3 teenage girls, a four minute dry heave and you're there. The reason for my slight lapse of judgement was due to a week long vacation, which is laughable in my position of limited work of late, but vacation I did. The destination- MARSHFIELD, (sound familiar) a beach community in the south shore of Massachusetts. The last time I ventured to Marshfield it was just with Hannah, however this time around I had the company of some NYC and Boston friends. Running was not on the list of priorities that week, though I did manage to get through my training. Instead, we became beach bums for days at a time, chatting about the Marshfield Vampire and Camel Spiders, getting the high score in photo hunt, and enjoying the water and the company of others.

Karaoke

On the beach with my parents, and aunts

Bonfire into Fenway Park puzzle completion

It was one of the most enjoyable weeks of the summer and made for a truly relaxing oasis, but now it's back to the grind and another long run of 12 miles by the end of next week. Wish me luck, and don't let me near a tequila shot.

Week Five: The Human Race: by Andy Sarno

During one night this week I ran in the worst conditions imaginable, in a severe storm, over the Williamsburg Bridge in Brooklyn. I have decided to tackle that story as a screenplay, so to bring forth a more theatrical account of that night. Enjoy!

[Interior, Brooklyn Apartment]

It was a cool wednesday night in Brooklyn, following a dreary day of on and off rain that postponed Andy's scheduled run to 10 in the evening. Andy, an exceptionally handsome man had already consumed a good deal of water that day and after finishing a bowl of Raisin Nuts, and reading the New York Times, was eager to run over the Williamsburg Bridge, a hallmark in his marathon training, one that avoided traffic, and provided an amazing view of the city. Keeping his eyes glued to "Weather on the 1," combined with a hand out the window, the best meteorologist equipment he could find, he was certain that the storm had passed. What he didn't know was that the real storm was yet to come!

[Wide angle of the City of New York]

[Cut to Nasa Headcourters]

Dr. Cloudsby: This can't be right... (fumbles with the radar equipment) This can't be right at all. Proffesor, you have to see this!

Prof. Rainstrum: (looks over the data feverishly) Did you check it with the North East Conservatory?

Dr. Cloudsby: Of Course, but neither of us have seen a weather pattern of this magnitude. The High pressure coming in from the Rockies has collided with Hurricane Hannah heading northeast which appears to be in direct route with an Atlantic moving tsunami, which means the storm is going to hit...

(Both of their fingers pan across the computer and meet)

Prof. Rainstrum: The Williamsburg Bridge!

[cut to a fishing boat off the coast of Long Island]

Capt. Fred Waters: (gathers the crew) Hey boys, I know we've been at sea for 3 months and you haven't seen your family or friends in that time, but I wanted to congratulate you on the best year we've had yet! (Everyone toasts) We can go home with money in our pockets, beer in our stomachs, and plenty of crabs.

Mark: I think Tommy's already got that covered. (Everyone laughs) Hey Cap, is it just me or does the horizon line appear to be getting higher?

Capt. Waters: That's not the horizon line...it's... NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

[Cut to Brooklyn]

Andy: (talking to his roommates) I'll see you guys in a bit, looks like I'll be running after all. Hey remember to tell your friends to donate to Fred's Team for the marathon. You could be helping save a person with cancer. (Andy has always been a caring soul, and comments like that were common amongst his friends)

Friends: (mockingly) Don't drop the baton!

(In College, Andy dropped the baton on the final leg of the State finals to lose the heat. He's never lived it down)

[Pan shot, following Andy's feet]

[Wide shot, from the ground up at Andy's silhouette against the street lights at the base of the Williamsburg Bridge, the sky rumbling and a few sprinkles of rain]

Directors note: If the pure site of Andy's body in the glistening rain is too magnificent for the camera, then put a soft diffuser on the lens.

Andy: Aw well, a little rain never killed anybody (off in the distance a woman screams)

The rain is getting more intense and Andy sees people on bikes and runners hastily moving down the bridge. The sky is a milky red and the clouds seem to be circling above. In an apartment next to the bridge, a boy grips his teddy bear as he watches a newscaster explain the life ending severity of the storm. Andy has just passed over the bridge onto the Manhattan side and although his instincts tell him the weather is dangerously out of hand, his thoughts go out to the young children in Africa running fifteen miles at a time for a clean cup off water.

Andy: I can't let them down

Rain and hale pummel the bridge and it's hard to make out where the next step is. Andy is soaked to the bone as he gets nearer to the summit. There is a crash of thunder and lightning strikes the bridge several times. Andy can just make out the figure of a woman up ahead holding the railing

Woman: (crying out) Help me, help! Is there anybody there, my baby, I've lost my child.

Andy: (rushing up to her) stay calm... just stay calm, where was your child last.

Woman: I don't know, I can't see anything, she could be anywhere!!

Andy laces his shoes tight, maybe for the last time and runs past the woman. He hears the faint sound of a scream up ahead as a little girl desperately grips the side railing, ready to be thrown into the air. Andy runs over and grabs her

[Close up of girl]

Girl: Don't drop me, you can't let go!

[flashback to dropping the baton, with overlaying images in slow motion of African kids passing out from sun. Andy stumbles. It doesn't look like he's going to make it. Suddenly there is silence and the rain stops dead. The eye of the storm is overhead. (Amazing CG effects) Everything is quiet, when Andy hears a voice that he swears is coming from the sky.]

Directors note: If possible, the actor playing the voice, if not by the versatile Andy, should be played by Morgan Freedman, or James Earl Jones

Voice: (deep in tone) Andy, you must go on, you must keep fighting. This isn't just a marathon anymore, it's the"Human Race." I believe in you...

Andy could have sworn that he heard traces of his father in the voice, dying a week after andy graduated College in a tragic Bass fishing accident. As the voice fades away, the storm comes surging back worse then before, the bridge swaying from side to side.

Andy: I got you, I'm never letting go.

Andy holds on to the child and once reuniting the mother with the girl carries both of them on his back to safety just as the bridge collapsed behind them

[ fade out]

[Overlay text onto black background]

After running in more than 50 marathons Andy was asked to run the anchor position in the 500m at the Olympics where he broke the world record, giving all his endorsement money to various charities around the world.

He never let go of that baton.

"The Human Race"

Based on a true story

Directed by Steven Speildburg

music by John Williams and Tom Jones

The release date is pending.