Week Eight: 13.1 miles of Advice

I have run a half marathon! I didn't find any races that synched up with my running schedule so I just ran around Brooklyn and Manhattan alone like a crazy person for 2 hours. If it was a race then I came in first, or at least a close second next to an angry mexican who chased down a cab for 10 blocks after leaving his cell phone inside. I averaged about a 10.5 minute mile, which considering the heat, was a great run. Now that I have completed a half marathon, earning my stripes, and am one week away from the mid-point in my training, I'd like to give back a sliver of my running expertise to anyone thinking of Questing for the Marathon. (ahem)

1. Do not wear cotton shirts during long runs unless you enjoy the sensation of stingy nipples. (Some people do)
2. You will sweat more then you ever thought possible. No, you do not have Robin Williamitis.
3. Paying for water at a vending machine or a Hot Dog stand is virtually impossible if you've been storing your money in your sock.
4. When running in the rain, make sure your shorts have a draw string. It's only funny the first time, trust me.
5. If you are thirsty and out of water and money, you may use your mid-run gross physical appearance to swindle a free bottle.
6. Be prepared to get dirty looks from folks in traffic, they're just mad at themselves for not using that gym membership they got last christmas.
7. You may let your mind wander from time to time during a run; coming up with excuses for why you like the Twilight Saga so much is acceptable.
8. Do not drink alcohol the night before a big run! Do not drink alcohol the night before a big run! Do not drink alcohol the night before a big run! Oh shit.
9. For every pot hole you step in, a puppy dies. So Avoid them!
10. People always ask how long the distance is for a full marathon. Know the answer: 457 miles.
11. You are not on a sail boat so stop waiving to everyone you pass.
12. The average runner is 17% faster in cooler conditions which only gives you a few more weeks to really suck.
13. If people lose interest in your training, tell them you are running on two prosthetic legs. Nothing like a comeback story.
14. Invest in real running shoes. Hipsters will forgive you.
15. Having a running partner is a great way to train. Dibs on Tom Jones!
16. When people say they don't think running is a real sport, just tell them, "That's something a fat person would say."
17. And finally, embrace your new physique. Yes, your arms are puny and you've contracted Danny Glover Ass from running so much, and your ability to hold your breath underwater while taking a bath isn't impressing your girlfriend, but you are a Super Runner now, so put on your prosthetics and get out on the road. Like Steve Prefontaine said just before he was tragically killed by out of control car, "ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

There you have it, I hope you have gained some ammunition to use against the beast that awaits you. Till next time, my students. (Theme song to 3-2-1 Contact)